Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
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You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
Just FYI if a DJ or children’s entertainer tells you to “make some noise”, never make the most amount of noise you can the first time, because chances are they’ll tell you that they can’t hear you and you’ll have to make even more noise
Saw a friend I haven’t seen in over 20 years tonight. She asked if I had any pics of my kids. You don’t realize how many pics of Harry Styles, Louis Tomlinson & dogs you have until someone is hovering over you. The scrolling I had to do to get to pics of my real children. 🤦🏼♀️
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
No chill.
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
If you guys are missing any mugs, they’re all on my husband’s nightstand
you’d think someone in the room would’ve spoken up like “hey guys maybe it’s a bad idea to make one ring to rule them all”
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
A woman was charged with stalking after sending 65,000 text messages.
Which one of you was it?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
me: *making sandcastles with my sister*
my mom: *takes away the urn*
My problem with McDonalds is I can’t go retrieve my kids in the play tubes because I can’t fit in the play tubes because I eat at McDonalds.
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
Rubbing coffee grounds on your body makes your skin glow but it also gets you kicked out of Starbucks.
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
A big bug flew down my throat during my run this morning so [buys treadmill]
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
“Would you like to volunteer for the plant sale?” the PTA mom asks brightly.
“I can’t, I kill plants.”
I lean in & whisper:
“On purpose.”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
Every boy band song should have a part where they realize they’re singing about the same girl & get mad at each other.