I will raise my son to treat your daughters like spoiled princesses, but only if you don’t raise your daughters to think they are. Deal?
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ME: I found my old playstation2 in the garage. we can just wire it up to the PS3 and boom, PS5
12YO: that’s not how it works
ME: okay, smart guy. which one of us had a D in math?
12YO: both?
Her: How pathetic can you be?
Me: Gosh, I don’t know. I haven’t really pushed myself yet.
*Australian accent* Notice the wife in her natural habitat shaming the male husband species into doing what she wants!
“Playing hard to get huh?” I say as I flip through your wedding photos on facebook.
Those plastic bags in the produce department that are so hard to get open are designed to keep your ego in check. Its intentional.
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“Why is your stomach making those weird noises?”
Me:
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
Guarantees in life:
1) death
2) taxes
3) me pulling the handle of your car door at the same moment you try to unlock it
me: [staring up at the sun, then at the sunblock in my hands, then back up at the sun, then back at the sunblock]
my wife: you’re wondering whether you put it on yourself or on the sun, aren’t you
me: look i didn’t go to medical school like you did ok
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning
Cake containers are so noisy because guilt does its best harmonizing at 3am and the kitchen has nice acoustics.
Am I original?
-Yeaaah.
Am I the only one?
-Yeaaah.
Do you wanna build a snowman?
-Go away, Anna.
Ok byyyyye.
Me: I think I’m suffering from auditory hallucinations.
Narrator: There was no narrator.
A variation! I dont like you people who can fall asleep at the drop of a hat. Its not normal!
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
😏😏😏😏😏
🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️🤦♂️
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
Therapist: Why did you bring a lawyer to a therapy session?
My lawyer: You don’t have to answer that
Forget my browser history, when I finally pass from this earth, please delete my calculator history because it’s waaaay more embarrassing
(Extreme Depeche Mode voice): It’s a lot. It’s a lot. It’s a lot…seriously. it’s a parking lot.
It’s like ten thousand views when all you need is a like.
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.