Hey kids, for Halloween, let’s go to a spooooky place full of scaaaary, oppressive people & a guy who riiiises from the dead!
Kids: Church?
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let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
gordon ramsay: ok chefs you must prepare an appetizer, soup, a main course, and a dessert you have 30 minutes time starts now
me: *struggling to open a bagged salad*
Me: Can’t you just hot-wire it?
Apple technician: No ma’am, your phone actually needs the passcode.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
When I snag the last meatball.
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
Fancy dinner party invitation didn’t explicitly say NOT to wear Spider-Man costume, sheesh, everybody relax FFS
[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
Nothing in this life is certain, except death and taxes.
And stepping in water if you’re wearing socks.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
[Patient room]
ME: …so that’s why I need to drain the abscess on your leg
PATIENT: What’ll it feel like?
ME: Honestly, it feels amazing & truly gratifying knowing that I’ve been able to help someone in a dark time
PATIENT: No, I meant for me
ME: Oh. It’s gonna hurt like hell
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Parents should get hazard pay for sleeping in the same bed with a toddler
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
Instead of asking “Are you still watching?” Netflix just said “Hey, pace yourself, we’re almost out of shows.”