[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.
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I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
Me [trying to sound intellectual]: okay, okay which came first turkey the bird or Turkey the *points at map*
You know you’re hung over when people recognize you but they think you’re E.T.
lying here thinking of the time i was about to compliment a lady at the gas pumps on her shiny black scarf and then i realized she worked there and just had new trash bags hanging around her neck as she took out the full ones
SPOILER ALERT: In the book “What to Expect When You’re Expecting,” it’s a baby. You’re expecting a baby.
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
MAN: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
My IQ used to be higher than my weight, but now I’m fat and dumb.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Just threw a ghost boomerang. That’s gonna come back to haunt me.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
alcoholic: you drive me to drink
designated driver: ok
The scariest moment in the world is when a 3yo looks at you and says CLOSE YOUR EYES AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Me: Ok to empty the dishwasher I need to clear things away from the dish rack and before I do that I need to clear space in the drawer and before that…
~later~
My wife: Why are you on the roof painting the chimney?
Me: So I can empty the dishwasher.
Guy getting on elevator in my office building..” Going Down?”
Me: “No, but I’ve got time for a hug”
WTF IS THAT!
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
For a cat named Jingles, his tambourine accompaniment to my blistering bongo solo isn’t that impressive.
My husband got me Alexa for Christmas, like I need another person in the house claiming they didn’t hear me.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
Some of y’all missed your appointment with the priest for your exorcism and it shows.
yeah we love eachother, but you know what would really add some spice to this relationship…. the government
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Here’s a sentence that has stuck with me for 22 years, from a doofy classmate’s story in 8th-grade English: “The werewolf puked and died.”
I forgot to bring my bags to the grocery store, people looked at me like I drove there on an aerosol can, then slit a baby seal’s throat.