My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.
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I know we will never have another revolution in this country because every Chinese food place in my town has at least one review that says “this is the fifth time I ordered from this place and every time it was terrible”
launch my dead body into space but not too far away. if my calculations are correct, i will win the public pool splash contest in 2076
Fight Club but it’s just 19 and 16 duking it out over who takes “their” car—the one neither of them paid for
I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
My four year old niece summarizing her day at Safety School “Look both ways or you die”
Perhaps Nicki Minaj just lost a series of bets.
Me: “I updated the employee handbook like you asked.”
Boss: “This is just a book with pics of everyone’s hands.”
Me: “Pretty cool, right?”
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
My bird feeder brings all the squirrels to the yard
and I’m like, this isn’t for y’all
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
facte: you eat 28 spiders in your lifetime. always 28. if you are about to die and you have only eaten 3 then 25 spiders arrive at once
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Sorry folks but there’s only 2 genders: human and dancer
3 just told me he wants all the things pirates have for Christmas, including a real sword and a pirate ship.
Anyone have a good pirate ship guy?
me: like taking candy from a-
giant baby: no no, please go on
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
me: “i taught this chimp to say words”
chimp: “nice haircut”
reporter: “oh my god.. does he know anything else?”
me: “sarcasm apparently”
5: I want to be like you, Daddy.
Me: Aww. Thanks, bud.
5: My back hurts. My neck hurts. My feet hurt.
Me:
5: My head hurts.
Me: I get it.