I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
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The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
MyFitnessPal told me my beer has a lot of vitamin C so I guess I can begin my descent into full blown alcoholism.
Ordered our meals entirely in French, impressing my date and baffling the Applebee’s server.
Half the people who follow me are waiting for the nervous breakdown; the other half follow because they’re easily impressed by semicolons.
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
Doctor: If it gets worse, who should we notify?
Liam Neeson: Next of Kin.
Doctor: It shouldn’t come to that, though. How are you feeling today?
Liam Neeson: High Spirits.
The people who came up with all these different rules for pluralization are bunch of peni.
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
Nice try cereal but everyone knows that the real breakfast of champions is three chocolate glazed donuts.
Next episode of Why are Customers So Annoying
Dear Impatient Customer,
If you call someone and get their voicemail, calling me to transfer you will not make them answer when I’m transferring you to the same number you just called 5 seconds ago.
Took a Pfizer Covid vaccine with a Pfizer Viagra.
Now both arms are sore
My teenage children choosing violence
Sorry celebrity couples, if you don’t have a good mash up name you’re not gonna make it
Like what are we calling Kim and Pete? Petashian? I don’t think so
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Strange how FB doesn’t automatically add the enemies of your enemies as your friends,
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
I held a flashlight between my teeth while I shuffled through some papers and now I’m an FBI agent
Every. Damn. Time.
Remember, if you get dumped it’s only because they’re looking for someone more attractive and interesting. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle[Wedding]
Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day