My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.
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bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
Does it sound ridiculous? Yes. Did I get a sports injury from eating too many tacos? Also yes.
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m extremely flexible
professor x: [looks at watch] oh shit i have another meeting, can we reschedule?
me: no problem
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Just now realizing my Girl Scout cookie purchase was 370 boxes too low
I think about this a lot
The lengths my ex will go to in order to make me jealous are astounding. Like getting married and having a kid. IT’S NOT WORKING, JANET
If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
My biggest regret to date is probably never telling Kary C, Kerri B, Cari R and Kerry L from 4th grade that their names were spelled wrong..
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
Still can’t quite believe the World Health Organisation framed Roger Rabbit
Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”
Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
I have absolutely no problem following the juice diet for 3 days. You can fit a pizza in the juicer right?
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Me: I’ll wait until the end of time for you
Her: Ok good that was my plan too
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.