I want my house spotless but kicking my kids out seems wrong
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My band is so indie we don’t even record together. You have to buy 4 separate cds and play them at the same time.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Close call…
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
The biggest threat of punishment for my daughter is saying I’ll pick out her clothes for school.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
Skeleton: I’m you from the future
Me: how long?
Skeleton: 2 months
Me: are you here to warn me?
Skeleton: no you’re already screwed, just drink more milk for me
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
someone told me LA is shitty heaven and NY is fun hell and it makes me chuckle every time I think about it
I know this now 😂
Just caught my cat stealing my bank card off the table and now I regret telling him all my pin numbers ‘just in case’
Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me: what’s the weather today
weatherman: party sunny
me: and tomorrow?
weatherman: partly cloudy
me: what’s the difference
weatherman:
me:
weatherman: *whispers into tie* he knows too much
[a red dot appears on my forehead]
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
it’s cool I can come out tonight my 11yo son gave me the go-ahead
*”accidentally” drops my gym membership card from my wallet in front of a cute girl*
Me: Oh gee, I seem to have dr—
*300 fast-food coupons flutter to the ground following it*
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
Where’s the gratification in tearing down another human being? It’s much easier to have heart, than walk w a self-inserted rod up your ASS.