When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
You Might Also Like
3yo: dad.
Me: why aren’t you sleeping?
3yo: I am sleeping.
Me: then why are we talking?
3yo: so I could tell you I’m sleepIng.
Me: you’re kind of creepy at night.
I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.
“We no longer use straws,” he said, handing me two plastic bottles of water. “They’re bad for the environment.”
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
“How old are you” Fine thanks, how old are you
Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
maybe there’s an alternate universe where onions cry when they chop up humans, you don’t know
The rest of the world: It’s so hot I cooked an egg on the sidewalk!
Canadians: It’s so hot I had to put the margarine in the fridge!
Ice cream. Ewes scream. We all scream because there are angry sheep in this Baskin Robbins.
My 9yo just made a “protein shake” out of milk, cookies and ice cream.
I’m making him my new nutritionist.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Girl at restaurant: Hey, I like your shoes.
Me: Thanks! I’ll tell my feet.
[Smooth, Brian. Well done!]
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
dam girl
wife: 9 got a ninja costume. Pretend you can’t see him
9 [standing in front of the fridge] *giggles*
me *hits him in the face with the door*
Me: Have you had a shower, and brushed your teeth?
Son: Yes of course
Me: It doesn’t look like it
Son: oh you mean this week?
After last night’s egg dyeing fiasco, and all the egg hiding and sugared up kids ranging from 9 to 2, I’m gonna need a little coffee in my whisky to get through the rest of the day.
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
DAD: when your grandpa died we planted that tree so we don’t forget him
ME: cool
[later]
TREE: You still remember grandpa chuck?
ME: yeah
TREE: cool just checkin