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Having a dark sense of humor is great, until you make a joke in front the wrong crowd and get looked at like you just killed their cat.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Me: *being romantic* Take you to clouds and leave you among the stars.
Her: okay, but can we finish the laundry first?
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
“Great choice. California is known for its chickens.”
– me, trying to impress a date who ordered the California Chicken Salad
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
Cop: Freeze!
Suspect: Try and catch me! *dives into Olive Garden’s bottomless pasta bowl*
Rookie: We gotta go after him!
Cop: No. He’s gone.
first you must answer his riddles
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
A man started choking in the line at Wendys today. Luckily the manager jumped into action… And opened another register
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Meowchelangelo
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Why did they call it melatonin and not restosterone?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
When you’re here for the treats.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I constantly misquote Shakespeare?
Him: you compared me to a Summer’s Eve™…
Me: parting is such sweet and sour 🙁
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.