Went on ChristianMingle .com and kept asking myself, “Who Would Jesus Do”?
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Me (looking up at the clock): Oh no, boys and girls we were working so hard we missed recess! I’m so sorry that I forgot.
6yo: (patting my arm) That’s ok, I think that happens when you start to get older.
My refrigerator is so full I have to slide the Country Crock out like I’m playing Jenga
i can sleep well tonight knowing my “local 4 news” is “fighting for me” & “getting answers” especially that new weather guy
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”
[hawaii]
me: aloha!
my girlfriend: we need to talk, i think we should break up
me [tears in my eyes]: then i guess this is aloha
hot panini’s mom is pissed, you guys.
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Playing doctor with my 3yo and I’ve been diagnosed as “barely alive” and this pretend play has become wildly realistic.
*Playing pirates with my kids
“I bet if we photo copy the CD cover and use it, we can sell these for more”
“hush little baby” is my favorite lullaby that teaches infants about rampant consumerism
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
I just finished doing a 30 minute workout – ten minutes looking for my glasses, 15 minutes squeezing into my yoga pants and 5 minutes on the treadmill.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
You say “my ex is stuck under the back end of your vehicle” like its a bad thing.
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
I broke up with a guy because he killed a horse on Skyrim.
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
God will never give you more than you can handle, unless you were born in the wrong place or don’t have money. That makes God super mad.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Please sign my petition to get my husband off the couch
roses are red,
what happened to “yeet”?
are we still dabbing?
heyooo send tweet.
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.