i would never put up a lost dog poster. im not letting the whole neighborhood know i fumbled
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You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
She hadn’t made a milkshake in years for fear that they would return.
She starts the blender reluctantly.
In the distance, screams.
The boys had returned. They were coming to her yard.
Hallmark movie writer’s room:
“Alright, let’s get started.”
(4 minutes later)
“OK, that’s a wrap on 27 movies, good job everyone.”
“You’re joking about calling it Good Friday, right? I told you the part about the nails?” -Jesus #GoodFriday
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
“You make me so wet.”
– me, to my shower.
May you never be as bored as whoever figured out that holding a seashell to your ear sounds like the ocean
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[tries to eject CD 5 mins into space mission]
Houston we have a problem
I KNOW U CHEATED W/MY WIFE TOM ENJOY 12 YRS OF SMASH MOUTH U PRICK
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
As a child, ‘The Jetsons’ gave me unrealistic expectations for the future: like having a wife who loves me & owning a dog.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
Apparently the people at this laundromat don’t appreciate me folding their underwear for them. Lame.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
me: what drink ya got there?
11: a smoothie I made
me: oh. What’s in it??
11: ummm Pears, juice, peanut butter, milk, cereal and hot sauce.
me: and you won’t eat a tomato.
CW: The boss said she wanted to see you.
Me: That’s flattering, but I don’t date people from work.
Next time someone leaves an empty shampoo bottle in the shower, I’m filling it with pancake syrup.
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
i feel sorry for people who say things like less is more because they’ve obviously never had sex or french fries
cow = cattle
farmer = cattler
rennet = catalyst
*rennet is an enzyme in cows’ stomachs that helps turn milk into cheese- this is a fast, faster, fastest pun and I just really want you to like me
I saved a ton of money on tattoos by just pretending my varicose veins are ancient Chinese proverbs
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Me: *gripping weapon, hiding* Today I slay the troll that controls the bridge
Toll booth operator (on the phone, watching me): Yeah he’s back, and he’s holding a pool noodle
It takes an entire village’s whiskey to raise a child
If you’re buying something embarrassing at the drugstore (like an enema), just ask for a gift receipt so they won’t think it’s for you.