“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs
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“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
Real estate agent: You can’t get cell phone calls out here.
Me: We’ll take it.
[inside fighter jet]
I hate this cd
“change it”
how?
“press eject”
ok
[nothing funny or unexpected happens because they are trained pilots]
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
Me: I’m a mature adult
Also me:
I’m sorry sir, your wife didn’t make it.
Was it *sniff* the lack of prayers on Facebook?
Yes sir, I’m afraid it was.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
I want to be able to sleep like the dude who had a horse head placed in his bed and didn’t even know it.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
If you see someone wearing camouflage, make sure to walk right into them so they know it’s working.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
The human body is 70% water and 30% land
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Overheard at the pool:
Grandma: what do you want the baby to be? a brother or sister?
*long pause*
3 year old: a cat
An unaddressed parcel arrives. Inside is a diorama of your living room with a figure of you staring into an open unmarked parcel. The figure looks up at you and shrieks. You hear another tiny shriek from inside their parcel.
the real victims in all of this are those of us who like to take soup in museums to have a nice snack and now will be regarded with hostility and suspicion — or worse!
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
someone using bare hands to put salad on a plate is letting you know they’re not here for discussions about etiquette or anything really
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
[End of day 1, building Rome]
BUILDER: We’ve finished, boss
BOSS: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks