*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
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I’ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can’t find his nuggets.
wife: don’t eat that, u know it won’t agree with u
me: yes it will
taco: no I won’t
Will I ever be a good parent?
*shakes baby*
Wait a minute, if you’re here
[cut to Magic 8-Ball in crib]
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
My neighbor is doing yoga in the backyard. Legs behind his head and hands under his… No, wait, he fell off the roof again.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
Paramedic: What happened?
Me: [lying in pool of blood] I told my girlfriend she was turning into her mother and she stabbed me.
Paramedic: They all turn into their moth– *also gets stabbed*
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
The more I learn about Myself the more atheist I become.
pelicons
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Successful parenting is all about having a schedule. Feel free to use mine:
8am: breakfast
8:30am-6pm: beg my kid to take a nap
6:30pm: dinner
7-9pm: beg my kid to go to sleep
Almost forgot…😂😂😂😂😂
customer: i would like to buy a hotdog with sauerkraut
me: sorry, we only accept cash
manager: can i talk to you
If someone says they’d “Like a word with you,” I can guarantee it’s way more than one word and you’re not going to like any of them.
Guys be throwin bobcats across their lawn and I’m over here trying to get my Capri Sun open
I’m perfectly approachable as long as you’re carrying a plate of nachos.
*fills the ice tray once*
I’M THE ONLY ONE WHO DOES ANYTHING IN THIS PLACE
Therapist: When you look in the mirror, what do you see?Me: I see myself you friggin idiot. Let me see your degree
Friend: “I’m breaking up with my boyfriend. He acts like a savage.”
Me: “Fred or Ben?”
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
ME: lately I feel lonely. like I’ve become untethered from the world
WOLF WHO IS WEARING MY FRIEND’S FACE AS A MASK: *understanding growl*
i don’t mean to brag, but i totally got to third base with my rem cycle last night.