The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
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“pew, pew, pew!”
-me, pointing out seating options in a church
“Well, first I was afraid… Then I was petrified…”
– Dinosaur explaining how he didn’t survive
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
I scroll twitter wen I use the bathroom at nite bc I’m afraid of the dark, n that way I feel like all my mutuals r peeing w/ me
Trying to break up with an optician, but every time I say I can’t see you anymore, she moves an inch closer and says “how about now?”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
me: dentist said the kids have the plague
wife: plaque
me: yes a memorial would be good
“fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u. fool me once, shame on u” – a goldfish 🙁
You’re not a real family unless you all have different names for the same dog.
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
“Ok so I managed to squeeze everything into two separate boxes for you. This one has the ribs in it.”
–a nice waiter or a bad mortician
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
not hearing back from people right away:
2002 – (two days later) They’re probably busy or out of town. I’ll catch up with them later.
2022 – (ten minutes later) ok clearly we are in a fight I didn’t know about
Her: Do you wanna do it?
Me: Do what?
Her: It.
Me: What’s it?
Her: You know… It.
Me: Oh… I call first player.
Her: Wait, what?
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
If you let me be president, I will just straight up tell you if aliens exist.
[Star Trek: The Next Generation)
Picard: Why are they firing at us?
Troi [an empath]: I sense hostility.
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Who decided that a clown popping suddenly out of a metal box would be a good toy for young children?
I almost hit a deer tonight. But then he took back what he said about my mom and we hugged it out.
Back to having zero haters, feels good.
Gave this artichoke the heimlich maneuver and now he’s artiokay.
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
If you do not stop arguing I WILL turn this car around and around and around creating a time vortex teleporting me back to before I had kids
I’m just gonna make myself president. Nobody else ever seems to workout. Gotta do it yourself.