Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.
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I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I just overheard a woman tell her son “We don’t lick other people, it’s gross” and now I’m reevaluating so many choices I’ve made.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
In a restaurant if there’s a crying kid the parents don’t take outside, they got 10 minutes before I bread it, dip it, then eat it.
People who are loud sneezers should be required to post it on their dating profile.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I’m just going start inventing words and then tell people that’s what we call it in England.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
My dad is at it again
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
All I’m saying is the second guy to bungee jump was honest about his weight.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler that’s trying to sneak up on you but you don’t realize they’re trying to sneak up on you so you say hi which makes them go apeshit & then you have to act like you did not in fact see them but you both know the truth and oh god how is this my life
Not me, adding double spaces after a period to annoy my teen.
Judge: Order in the court
[from the back]
Me: Can I get a large pepperoni pizza with… [puts hand over speaker and looks around] what?
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
I hate the crossword. If someone asked me in person to name “Someone getting dressed for lunch?” and then they smiled wryly and said “salad” I would ruin their life
Hotel clerk: May I help you?
Me: Call an ambulance.
HC: What happened?
M: I’m not sure. Someone said calm down and I blacked out after that.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
At my age I’m allowed to start my day with Captain Morgan and end my day with Captain Crunch.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Couldn’t find my credit card while in line at the market.
*panic sets in.
Then I remember…yesterday I gave it to my daughter to pick up take-out….So she still has it.
*extreme panic sets in
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Saw a police officer dressed as a pilot today & thought it was weird. Then I realized he must be one of those “plane clothes cops.”
Kenny told me if he had a time machine he’d go back to 1955 and sleep with Marilyn Monroe as if time was the only thing preventing this from ever happening.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?