marriage counselor: you can’t run away from your problems
me: [leans forward, whispering] what if she gave me a head start
wife: I can hear u
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Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
[sees that my girlfriend from 3rd grade is getting married] Wow you didn’t waste any time did you Becky
An alien abduction but it’s just my kid shining a flashlight in my face in the middle of the night asking if I’m awake.
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
I was just thinking “oh shoot I forgot something” and it came out as “oh fruit”
Sure, a cooking robot was a great idea til he became sentient & burned your house down cause you didn’t fully appreciate his chicken Vesuvio
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
ME: can i start digging?
SOCIETY: wtf no that’s grave robbing
[waits an hour]
ME: how about now?
SOCIETY: ok now it’s archaeology
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
This guy in my office is a little paranoid and it’s making it that much harder to poison him.
Cats are not mentioned in the Bible because they wrote it.
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..
What the hell is wrong with you?!
Movies led me to believe there would be a whole lot more unlocked cars just sitting around with the keys tucked away in the overhead visor.
Almost broke up with my therapist on the spot when she said she had never seen Ratatouille. How could she possibly help me she knows nothing
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
Scooby-Doo gave me unrealistic expectations about how often a human, dressed as a monster, would chase me.
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
my math may be off, but i think there are at least 2 million people at trader joe’s right now
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
My super power is not uttering a word and yet still saying the wrong thing.