I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
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I once saw a man walk barefoot across hot coals, and I thought, wow, he could’ve just walked around those. Idiot.
One of my lamps has a light bulb which has outlasted my past 7 relationships.
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
If you come home n your dog gives you a lecture about smoking pot, you probably should lay off the acid too.
Me: *driving*
My mom at every turn:
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I like my women how I like my microwaved food.
Hot as hell on the outside and cold as ice on the inside.
Microwaving fish is an office faux pas. I roast mine over an open flame in the bathroom
*Dad enters room dressed as Han Solo*
“May divorce be with you”
“What?”
“Your mother and I are getting a divorce. I figured I’d make it fun”
Noah’s Ark was so unrealistic. Have you ever tried to pen up velociraptors? Did the guy who wrote the Bible even watch Jurassic Park first?
wife: What do you want for dinner?
me: What do you want me to want?
In case nobody has Facebook, it’s cold outside.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
I was 13 the first time I tried probiotics. Some kids were passing a cup of yogurt around at a party. I figured why not? Now I’m in prison.
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I’m digging this new iPhone 11 Pro. It has a separate camera for each one of my chins.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*
What if earth is just God’s Tamagotchi that he forgot about?
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
My friends are fully aware that our designated meeting times are rough estimates.
doctor: describe your average night
me: they wear suits of armor
doctor: no I mean at bedtime
me: they probably take it off
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Ugh I hate being a celeb my fans are always asking me “when is your next rent check going to drop?” & “when can we expect you to pay us back for covering your rent last month?” It’s like respect my privacy please.