The Internet wins again..πππ€£π€£π€£ππ
You Might Also Like
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a βthumbs upβ to my dog*
Sometimes when I’m having a particularly stressful day, I take a pregnancy test to remind myself that at least one thing in my life is still going as planned.
Me: *tied up*
Guy: *hits my kneecap*
M: I’m not a rat!
G: Bring in her sworn enemy!
G2: *tosses Rubik’s Cube at me*
M: Oh god no! I’ll talk!
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
No one:
My brain: the word βplatitudeβ kinda just sounds like a platypus with an attitude
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
i just finished this entire bottle of hand lotion iβve kept in my desk drawer for the past year, and today i realized itβs conditioner
My husband sending mixed signals like, insisting we reduce our online shopping, but also buying and installing a bigger mailbox that βHolds a lot more.β
ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
If you can read this, you’re standing too close to my iPhone!
Every time I text this guy, he replies with “Sorry, I’m driving.” It’s been a few days. I’m guessing he’s probably made it to Mexico by now.
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*tattoo parlor*
ARTIST: What do you want?
ME: Surprise me
*He tattoos the word ‘hiccup’*
ME: Why did y-
ARTIST: BOO!
*the tattoo disappears*
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: yaβll hear something?
Answering all phone calls with, βno, YOUR payment is overdue!β.
In every successful relationship the MAN always has the last word – “Yes Dear.”
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. Iβm ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[does jerk off motion for 2 hours] and that concludes the hearing impaired translation of the presidential debate. all of them. god bless
me: doctor said I have to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal bed
*pounding on her chest*
DON’T DIE ON ME KAREN!
*pounds harder*
(sobbing) BREATHE DAMMIT!
CPR instructor: Ok, so that was wrong.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.