being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
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They say people with pets live longer. Many assume it’s all the love and affection. I think it’s all the bending down to pick stuff up.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
I think my wife’s angry with me but it’s hard to tell coz she’s pretty blurry and one of us is slurring a lot
i feel like if you can prove you got below a C in high school chemistry you should be able to bring big liquids in your airplane carry on
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
I really wish my twitter crush would scream out my name instead of ‘hey you’ every time he catches me in the tree in his front yard.
I just poured a bowl of cereal and we’re out of milk. Cooking is hard.
ME: I played Wordle today
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Wordle is?
SON: no
ME: It’s like Mastermind but instead instead of colors it’s letters
SON: great
ME: Do you know what Mastermind is?
SON: no
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
Whenever I see someone with spider web tattoos on their elbows I spray them with Raid and attempt to flush them down the toilet.
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Some people need a sympathetic pat on the head… with a hammer.
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Just passed a guy on the street and said “what’s up?” and he replied “how’s it going?” and then we moved on, feeling cordial but in retrospect leaving both questions unanswered
Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
Monday is a legitimate excuse for biting someone.
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
If you wear your old prom dress to the pharmacy, they’ll fill your antidepressants faster.
ah shit, i accidentally left my gender reveal pressure cooker on a crowded train
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
School supply list when I was a kid:
*crayons
*glue
*rulerSchool supply list now:
*Clorox wipes
*paper towels
*Ziploc baggiesApparently they’re teaching my kid to be a janitor or a drug dealer.