gf: that guy hit on me, make him pay
me: [to guy] u need to buy our drinks
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oh cool you can play this toilet on hard mode
It’s terribly sad, but the fact that the graphic had to be added is due to the shockingly low literacy rate among geese.
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
What does it mean when you sit next to an elderly woman on the bus and she shakes her head and makes the sign of the cross?
My 4-year-old is playing doctor with her baby dolls.
She walked by a minute ago holding just a leg.
Surgery didn’t go well.
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
Those who do not learn from history are destined to repeat it.
But I guess the same can be said for math and geography courses.
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
i argued with the parrot at the pet store until it got sold away and the guy who bought it wouldnt let me in his car. that means i won
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
if i die from eating a tide pod, please bury me in the traditional fashion:
warm/cold water
15 mins extra soak
permanent press cottons
Save a reindeer.
Ride a Canadian.
Traffic fantasy:
– Someone does something stupid
– I give them “the look”
– They learn their lesson
– The roads are safer because of me
Her: You should have someone follow you around with a book of matches.
Me: Because I’m on fire with all these jokes? My sense of humor is lit?
Her:
Me:
Her: Sure, let’s go with that.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
Put on sunglasses. Now run past a crowd of people with your index finger on your ear screaming “SNIPER HAS BEEN SPOTTED SIR”