Apparently John Oliver is too awesome for words. But we already knew that.
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EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Got stuck behind a car with the number plate: G4ND4LF earlier.
Don’t know who it was, but he wouldn’t let me pass.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
Me, “Alexa, make all these people leave my house.”
Alexa, “Playing Nickelback.”
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Fan girl on the devil when you arrive in hell by telling him you’re a huge fan of his food cake
My boss gave me his credit card for lunch and said “grab yourself something too” yet seems surprised that I went shoe shopping…
Weird.
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
My toddler has discovered the word WHY. Please send help.
Housetraining our dog which is why my participation in this morning’s Zoom meeting ended with, “Well, right now I’m working on upgrading myNOOOOOO NOO NO OUTSIDE OUTSIDE”
Wife: I told you to baby proof the house!
Me: I did. That baby has no chance if it comes in here. The bear traps will make sure of that.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Apparently nothing offends a toddler more than suggesting they might be due for a nap.
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
scarecrow: i need a brain!
tin man: i need a heart!
me: i need a stomach that stops me from ordering three delivery items, that knows it’s going to be satisfied by one delivery item
dorothy: again, he’s not with us
My guardian angel deserves a raise
I know I’m not great at math, but I just can’t figure out how to 28 packs of fruit snacks are gone in 2.5 days when the kids say they “barely ate any.”
Cauliflower is just broccoli that’s seen a ghost.
Son your teacher called, she said you wrote “AQUAMAN RULZ” all over your math test. [sigh] First of all, Aquaman doesnt have any good powers
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do