Why is fruit so expensive?
I want some raspberries, not the tears of Jesus.
You Might Also Like
A frisbee hit me lightly on the shin and I’m at the age where this might be a lifelong injury.
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
yeah I dunno, “our landlord is mistreating us” and “we can’t get fresh meat” seems like two problems that solve each other
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
I accidentally left my speech to text on while walking my dog, this is the transcript:
*I gently close front door
Dog: Where have you been?? I was worried sick about you! See that vomit on the floor? That’s because of you!
My husband texted me from work to ask if our son’s cough was wet or dry and I was like whoa whoa whoa, there’s only room for one fake doctor in this family
3yo: I hate vegetables!
Me: you know fries are made from a vegetable, right?
3yo: oh, ok, I love fries!
Me: great, here’s your ᶜᵃʳʳᵒᵗ ‘fries’
I just saw a man get hit by a car…he got hit & fell down & then got up & chased the car down the block!!!! His legs must be strong as shit
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
COP: do you know how fast you were going
ME: no do you
COP: yes
ME: *twirls hair* what else do u know about me
I don’t want to brag, but January was a decent year for me
Any time 4 chases our cat, she says “don’t worry kitty! It’s only me!”
And every time, I resist the urge to say “yeah I think the cat knows.”
Parenthood has made me so mature.
Lube but for my dry humor.
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Me: I think my computer’s broken
Boss: just give it to the IT guy
Me: okay *walks outside and tosses my laptop into the sewer* good luck
If cats had a cellphone, you’d have 6,729 TikTok notifications from a video they uploaded knocking your vase off the counter.
If dogs had a cellphone, you’d have 42 texts and 3 missed FaceTime calls from when you dared to go to the restroom alone.
temp agency: we only have positions for nights available right now
a dragon: i see
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Interviewer: what makes you the best candidate for our transplant surgeon position?
Me: my tremendous hatred of rejection
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?