[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
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Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
I guess if macaroni had to be named after a body part, elbow was better than some other options.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win
reminder
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
Gordon Ramsey: tell me what you’ve made here
Me: *placing my hand on his* an everlasting friendship
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
ME: [standing in the rain]
STRANGER: [taps me on the shoulder] Here’s an umbrella
ME: Yes. I’ve seen one before.
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“funeral” and “badminton” should just swap their first 3 letters
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
Ever notice how people who say “Better to ask for forgiveness than permission” never actually ask for forgiveness, either?
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
I think more people would subscribe to Twitter Blue if we could edit other people’s tweets
I don’t shower before work, they don’t deserve my soap.
It’s all fun and games until you realize you’re the girl at work known as “how is she still employed.”
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken