[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
You Might Also Like
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Me: *researching sore foot*
WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?
Staying in a cabin with three other guys for a weekend has just become a race to say, “There he is!” anytime someone enters a room.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
I brought my niece (6) to Home Depot and was looking around when I heard her say to the paint guy, very loudly, “THAT MAN IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND” Lol thanks for clearing that up Emma
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?
Me: A lady never reveals her age.
Dr: For the final time, Ursula, I AM YOUR DOCTOR!
Me: FINE! *sigh* 37
Dr: thank you
Me: ish
Who are you to tell me what to do? You’re not my bank account.
Since they won’t vote anyway, Obama should make the GOP look bad by nominating a bald eagle holding a picture of Jesus to the Supreme Court.
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Letters from overnight camp be like:
-I am having the best time
-I hate camp I want to come home
-I never want to leave ever
-Please come get me
-Can I extend
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Most Unsafe Christmas Toys:
Fisher-Price My First Deep Fryer
LEGO Chewables
Nicotine Patch Dolls
Barbie’s Poorly Wired Dream House
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I think they’ve made more Kung-Fu Panda movies in the last 20 years than they’ve made actual pandas
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
I dunno who decided on the spelling of bologna, but it’s obvious he had no idea how letters work.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos