Heard someone on TV talking about a “decades old” song and my mind immediately went to the 1970s.
2001. The song they were talking about was from 2001.
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Brains are awesome… I wish everyone had one.
My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
Yes I delete tweets when they don’t live up to my expectations.
Just be glad I don’t have kids.
Game developer: his name is Donkey
Nintendo: nice
Developer: he’s a gorilla
Nintendo: ok twist
Developer: who wears a necktie
Nintendo: hm anything else? pants?
Developer: how would a gorilla put on pants?
Nintendo: right, yeah I wasn’t thinking
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
The irish goodbye: leave without telling anyone
The Midwest goodbye: stand around for 4-8 more hours saying goodbye to the entire party
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Have kids so instead of just having a peaceful morning you can argue with your 3 y/o about why he can’t lock his younger brother outside in the rain.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
[about to be murdered]
ME: *whispers into murderer’s ear*
MURDERER: No, I do not want to hold hands.
Sneaking into your house and eating just enough of the marshmallows out of your Lucky Charms to make you sad, but not suspicious.
Maybe the philharmonic isn’t so bad after all 🤔
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Be warned: there’s a proper legend on the streets of Brighton.
my fitbit gives me like 1000 steps every time I sit and fold laundry and it’s just nice to finally be appreciated
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
Kids are like public radio stations; they’re talented at constantly interrupting stories to ask for money.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I’m 32 never been married, no kids. Most people my age are married with kids. The older I get it is likely the man I marry will be a divorced dad. Satistically 80% of 2nd marriages with kids end in divorce. So what I’m saying is if you are looking for a 2nd ex wife hit me up.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
what do you mean mosquito spray expires? that’s what i’m trying to do. poison them.