Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
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[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Somewhere in an alternate universe
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
The Cheesecake Factory had a “Help Wanted” sign. I was really disappointed that it wasn’t to help eat the cheesecake. #FluffyChickProblems
JUDGE: your sentence will last for 5 years
ME: I can’t speak that slowly
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
Dead animal names:
A dead fly is called a flew
A dead goose is a ghoost
A dead gnu is a gnold
A dead pig is a bacon
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
Nothing sets a bad precedence like your boss catching you actually working.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
a lot of guys and girls have to leave from office early today because they all have doctor’s appointments, be safe people
DRUG DEALER: what’ll it be man
ME: *wearing a wire* some drugs please
[at the surveillance van]
DEA AGENT: did he just say some drugs
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Taking my winter tires off but not putting my summer tires back on. I’m done with the tire bullshit.
High school: rough age for some
High fiber: roughage for others
“Well, I guess I’ll stagger around, speak gibberish, & touch all the shit I’m not supposed to while you get irritated.”
Drunks & toddlers.
me: i’m so excited for fall!
also me: where the hell did the sun go?
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
I say, “Hi, friend,” to every animal I see, every time I see one, so they know I’m not their enemy, even to my own pets & it lessens my chances of being attacked.
Therapist: *pinching bridge of nose* I don’t charge enough an hour for this.
Me: *sees his fish tank* “Hi, friend.”
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
Against the wall, on the floor and bent over the couch are my favorite places to stretch.