Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
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[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
[being held back by fireman as i try to run back in the house during earthquake]
“MY ETCH A SKETCHES”
“you should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day” ok and how much if you’re not trying to go to the olympics ?
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
My ex : “Explain yourself”
Me : “Yourself” is used reflexively as the direct or indirect object of a verb or as the object of a preposition
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
Amazon thinks my recent furnace filter purchase was merely the inaugural move in newfound hobby of furnace filter collecting.
love black friday. not buying anything, just wanted to go apeshit in a target
I had a client Zoom in for Court, smoking a cigarette and beer in hand, slurring words.
Words I never thought I’d hear a judge say: “You’re in court right now. Quit smoking. Put that beer down.”
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Dog: I’m a man’s best friend, he even named one of his teeth after me.
Pussycat: Yeah, you’re not gonna win this one.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Just me?
N = Someone
O = Doesn’t
P = Understand
E = Acronyms
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
Did you ever notice how Smokey the Bear is always steering the conversation towards the subject of forest fires? Should we tell someone?