People who don’t follow you but comment on tweets with ridiculously stupid opinions are just hecklers with all the charm of a pedophile.
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1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
One of my biggest fears is going to America and asking for a biscuit only to be presented with some weird scone type thing and gravy
Cndnsd Mlk
If I were a weatherman, I’d hate it when newsreaders did a story about a flood or a heatwave. I’d come on and do a forecast about crime or the economy just to give them a taste of their own medicine.
If I ignore life will it go away?
Me: You know, one nice thing about being snowed in all weekend is we haven’t had to spend any money.
Wife: (clicking add to cart) So nice.
My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
My husband says I’m addicted to spending money on pointless things. So I bought him a Llama to cheer him up.
Cobra & Mongoose. He’s a cobra… she’s a mongoose. They say opposites attract but can two unlikely partners find love? No. Oh jeeezus, don’t look.
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
I guess I could try to do “No Nut November” but I think it’ll be a REALLY white christmas if I manage it.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
Tried to create a relaxing atmosphere in my statistics practical today by putting on a YouTube fireplace video but there are about 8 large screens on the walls in the room so instead it looked like we were all in hell
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’ve finally figured out why I can’t lose this extra weight. The shampoo I use in shower that runs down my body says, “4 extra volume & body
“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.
Regrettably, we are forced to raise the price of our products and services due to the reason that we want to
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Part of me says I should slow down on the drinking. The other part says, “Don’t listen to him, he’s drunk.”
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
Commercial: You don’t want to come home from your vacation with Hep A or Hep B
Me: Hell ya I do
God: you run really fast.
Horse: sweet.
God: people ride you in circles for sport.
Horse: kindof weird but ok
God: also don’t break a leg.
Horse: why?
God:
Horse: God? why?