People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
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Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
90% of life is just having the courage to show up.
The other 30% is just checking the math.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
February 2020 – *looks at phone to check the date*
April 2020 – *looks at phone to check what day of the week it is*
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Girls who go to finishing school know all of the Mortal Kombat fatalities.
How to get out of jury duty: When they read the charges, yell out “Hell yeah! I’ve done that.”
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
ME: ok i’m gonna tell you some stuff, but only if you promise not to judge me afterwards
JUDGE: no can do
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
The Rock missed a huge opportunity not naming his daughter “Pebbles.”
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
FLORIDA MAN SUFFOCATED TO DEATH AFTER HAVING SEX WITH PET ANACONDA
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
I really hate working late. My ride turns into a pumpkin and I always end up losing a shoe.
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
*My wife being frustrated by my kids*
Wife: Can you just give me 2 seconds to myself?
8YO: 1, 2. Now can I have snack?
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
ME: i’d like to get rid of all this
PERSONAL TRAINER: you’re just making like one sweeping gesture around your entire body
ME: and my head
This is a wasp nest that has grown around the flood lights on a garage and yes you will see it in your nightmares tonight
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Me: *considering sleeping in*
My dog: No no no no no let’s go let’s go let’s gooooo.
sometimes work CAN be fun, like reading through a long, complicated email and realizing you have zero responsibility for it so you can immediately forward to the person that does while laughing