I don’t think fish should be allowed to eat other fish. idk. just seems weird. that’s like your coworker dude
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No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
“Baby, I’m in the bedroom waiting for you”
Now I got your attention, let me show you a proper way to make the bed.
I can’t wait to sleep in
My bladder: lmao
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
Can I get a piña colada please.
‘This is Starbucks’
Sorry, can I have venti piña colada.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.
Shout out to my neighbor who never emerges from his place except to take selfies with a sword
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
Gf: We’re gonna be late for our dinner reservation
Me: Hang on, I’m right at the end of my book
Gf: FFS he’s there, behind that tree
Me: Waldo you rascal!
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
[My first day as a detective]
Me: It’s one way glass he can’t see you. Just point at the killer.
Witness: All I can see is our reflection.
Me: Ah, ok. Everybody swap rooms.
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
MyChart App: You have a new message in MyChart
Email: You have a new message in MyChart
Text message: You have a new message in MyChart
Skywriter: You have a new message in MyChart
The Rosetta Stone: You have a new message in MyChart
People: My cell phone isn’t working today
Cell phone carrier: The sun spit on us.
People: Doesn’t it do that all the time though?
Cell phone carrier: Big spit. Huge.
If you turn your head back and forth really fast you can see your ears.
Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
[Hospital Parking Lot]
Me: I thought we were here to get your X Ray back.
Friend: Yeah *slashing tires* this is his car.
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
*5 puts on shoes*
Me: they’re on the wrong feet.
5: but I can’t…
Me: can’t..?
5 I don’t have any more feet to put them on.
Me: touche
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
“Now, remember,” I say, waving my tweezers. “You eyebrows aren’t twins; they’re nearly identical cousins trying to outdo each other in order to become executor of their grandfather’s will.”