Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
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Ma’am do you know anything about your husband’s death?
Yeah, suicide. It’s awful isn’t it?
You’re saying he chopped himself up and threw his body in the lake?
*sigh* I know, he had some real demons.
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
If my 5yos are holding something when I buckle them into their car seats, there’s a 150% chance they’ll hit me in the face with it.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
[wedding reception]
BEST MAN: *making a toast* please raise your glasses
CLARK KENT: oh no
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
amazon: your package is in your mailbox 🙂
me: it is not
amazon: we delivered to your mailbox already 🙂
me: i ordered a microwave it is not in my mailbox
amazon: maybe you’re looking in the wrong one?
me: that isn’t possible
amazon: put your f*****g glasses on dipshit :))
elephants are scared of mice they’re like 100x their size, stupid massive wimps
[a wasp flies in my car and i completely drive off a bridge]
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
she wears short skirts, I get steamed up
she’s cheer captain and I’m a little teapot
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.😢”
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
I don’t understand people in the entertainment industry who have affairs with their manager. I feel like all my managers’ texts would just be them telling me it’s not a great market for sex at the moment
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
“It’s the holidays”
*eats a pizza*“It’s the holidays”
*eats 3 cheeseburgers*“It’s the holidays”
*eats my food, your food & a small baby*
Lawyers out there, if I see any of my Tweets being used on Comedy Central can I sue….. Oh you don’t think that will ever be an issue, okay
My son forgot he needed a new spiral notebook for today & is annoyed I don’t have one like, sorry our house didn’t magically turn into a Staples last night.
I stick pins and needles in the people I don’t like because can’t afford voodoo dolls.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!