Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
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*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
His kids disappoint him
He’s pissed off at life
He screams at the news
He yells at his wife
He once punched a Girl Scout
Who looked at him wrong
He tripped an old woman
For singing a song
Just stay out of his way
Or risk a black eye
He’s
normalize slapping the phone out someone’s hand when they use speakerphone in public.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news. The bad news is we can’t reattach your arms.
ME: Oh no. What’s the good news?
DOCTOR: You’ve reached your goal weight.
ME: *I try to fist pump but nothing happens*
I fall in love too easily.
Wait..
It’s ditches, I fall in ditches too easily
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
Insomnia: she’s not going to sleep again and it’s all your fault
Coffee: she likes me strong and takes me late at night
Me: can you two stop talking about me like I’m not right here
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
my good friends know that i’m just 4 voicemails and 10 texts away. like whenever they need me. when I’m available.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Being 30 is fun because I’m kind of grown up, but I also still secretly believe I would be a good Spider-Man if the opportunity presented itself
My husband didn’t help change the sheets so I ate two hard-boiled eggs before bed. Check. Mate.
Favourite diary entry ever
me: I won two tix in the car on the way home today!
husband: cool, what for?
me: Speeding and Failure To Maintain A Lane.
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Waiter: Would you like regular or decaf?
Me: Do you want me to tip you with real money or Monopoly money?
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
My daughter’s morning alarm is less to wake her up and more to warn the rest of us.
It’s only Quarantine if it’s in the Quarante province of France. Otherwise it’s just Sparkling Isolation.
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
Forgetting your manners in the south is ma’amnesia
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED