If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
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A moment of silence for those who sacrificed themselves to determine which mushrooms taste good with pasta, which are fun & which kill you.
“I really like you, can I take you to dinner”
Sir -if you really liked me you’d send dinner to my house and let me be pantless instead of creating a food hostage situation
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Him: I’m making you Produce Manager.
Me: A PLUM assignment!
H: …
M: You’re a PEACH!
H: …
M: Do I start today or TOMATO?
H: You’re fired.
Told my roommate that megamillions was up to $825 million and she said, “yeah but that’s only $400 million after taxes”. Our kitchen is in our living room.
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I do not want an AI that writes books for me, I want an AI that can use my FitBit data to figure out when I’ve fallen asleep listening to an audiobook and pause it so I don’t suddenly wake up in the middle of chapter 29 wondering where the hell this Steve character came from
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
wife: What can you make with rum?
me: A baby
wife
me: I’m not allowed to say things anymore am I?
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
If you like someone set them free if they comeback it means nobody liked them set them free again.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
You wouldn’t know her, she goes to a different pandemic.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries
The dog ate my kid’s snack and now he’s saying “get it back” like I’m Hermione Granger or something
😂 amazing answer
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I’m so hungover. My sweat is pure tequila. A mosquito landed on me and now I think it’s drunk. It’s texting its ex.
Every DJ knows the best response to a request is “yeah sure” then not play the song.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Plot Twist
Nigerian Prince won the Powerball jackpot and he’s emailing everyone now.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
[first day in prison]
Cellmate: that’s Flesh Eater Mike
Me: why do they call him that?
Cellmate, quietly as Flesh Eater Mike walks by with blood dripping down his chin: it’s short for Michael
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)