OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
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Penguin: is it true birds fly south for the winter?
God: yes but you don’t need to fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you already live as far south as possible.
Penguin: oh yeah!
God: and you live there all year long!
Penguin: oh man the other birds are gonna be so jealous : )
[overhears two people taking about how difficult it is to get into Harvard] *whispers to self* Hardvard
Did it again.
Ticked the wrong box in an online survey and I’m now officially in the Sugababes
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union
[ first day as a bartender ]
*takes a sip of the drink while it’s still on the counter because I over filled it*
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
A squiggly red line should appear under people who are wrong for you
[first day in the Mafia]
Me: I’ve taken care of your wife as you asked
Boss: great, where is she? Did she have a nice time?
Me: oh no
Oh wow, I didn’t recognize you with a nose.
Me, meeting anyone from instagram.
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
If that was me in the movie Taken, my dad would have missed the call and emailed me 3 days later asking if I have a job yet
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
True love is knowing which parts of Bohemian Rhapsody are yours and which are theirs as you belt it out in the car.
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
Nah what the hell was going on in the back lmaoo
Why don’t furniture stores just tell us when they’re NOT having a huge sale?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
I hate when people talk down to me like I don’t already know I’m an idiot.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
If you walk into a Waffle House at any time and everyone in there is sober, there’s a small chance you’re the target of a police sting.