Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
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Always be kind. You never know who might own a hot tub.
A lot of people don’t realize that Shania Twain’s father, Mark, was actually a pretty good writer.
Accidentally went to Rouge One instead of Rogue One. Boy is my face red.
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders
What can I eat that’s healthy and a donut?
hotels: we have two thicknesses of pillows, monster truck tire or comic book
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.
Dude at Starbucks just left the crowded store and went “Bye everyone,” and every single person in that store said goodbye I literally just met the main character
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Instead of “single” as a relationship status, it should read “independently owned and operated”
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Marriage vows in the future will include things like “During pandemics, I promise not to judge how many glasses of wine you drink.”
Hitting the brakes, I instinctually reach my arm out in front of my passenger seat as my mother did before me. It’s ok, I whisper to my travel Doritos, you’re safe.
I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.
Chief: You’re the WORST cop in the department! Hand over your gun and badge!
Me: *realising I left both in my son’s crib* Uhhhhh….
Leia: *gasps* Chewbacca, you’re naked!
Chewbacca: *hastily puts back on his bandoleer*
*dad walks up to me stroking his beard* son, where do we keep the dog treats again? Im hun- *beard falls off revealing my dog. he runs away*
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
[on way to play charades with gf’s family]
I don’t wanna go
why
I don’t wanna look silly
you won’t
*first thing I have to act out is pasta*
Every vote counts! Unless you forget to post your I voted sticker on Facebook, those ballots get thrown into an incinerator.
ME: Thank you for your service.
VETERINARIAN: Again, I’m not that kind of vet.
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME:
VETERINARIAN:
ME: Thank you for your purrvice.