My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.
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drinking water in front of my plants so they remember who the breadwinner is
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
4 out of 5 dentists now say eat all the candy you want. 4 out of 5 dentists also want to upgrade their yachts.
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
The occupations on ‘The Bachelorette’ are getting out of hand.
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Choose a job you love and you will never work a day in your life because that field isn’t hiring.
Work in retail. If we say it’s not out the back, it’s not. But you pricks insist so we say fine and take a free break. Once I was hungover so took a cheeky nap, came out 15mins later pretending I’d looked EVERYWHERE. She was so grateful I tried, told my manager I was fantastic.
ME: Is this chicken cooked?
WAITER: Why do you ask?
ME: Because it’s just eaten my vegetables.
[pulled over by cop]
COP: evening folks. this is a random doug test. can I see some ID?
MY FRIEND DOUG IN THE BACK SEAT: [starts sweating]
My wife will be like, “gut reaction, yes or no?”
And then show me two shades of beige paint I can’t even tell are different.
*flashlight under chin*
Me: And then the accountant told her how many more years she had to work until retirement.
*all the adults scream*
Here I am, block me like a hurricane.
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
i started vaping to fit in with my friends, who are mostly steam whistles
idc who house I’m at, i’m drying my hands on yo decoration towels
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
Goldilocks taught me that you can get away with breaking into a brown family’s home and stealing their food, as long as you’re a white girl.
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.
My youngest called a family meeting. She wants to vote to get rid of her dog because she had to clean up a few messes it made. My sons voted to remove her. I’m starting to like this idea of family american idol
6yo: what do old people eat?
me: when I’m old I’m going to eat children.
6yo: you’re joking, mom. you’re already old.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
HOPE: why did you name me Hope
MOM: you were our hope for the future
DESPERATE ATTEMPT TO SAVE A LOVELESS MARRIAGE: what about me
MOM: same
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?