I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
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You can’t be mad if I poop in it. Your the one with a toilet planter in your front yard.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
my allergies were acting up so i took allergy medicine. now i’m sleepy and my allergies are acting up.
Friend: congrats on the engagement! Do you have a date?
Me: I was just gonna bring my fiancée
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
the most impressive scene in any spy movie is in Casino Royale when james bond is in a hotel shower and knows immediately how to use it.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
are they though??
[me as a cop]
Me: Mrs Hill?
Woman: yes
Me: it’s Ms Hill now
Woman: huh
Me: ur husbands dead
Woman: h-how?
Me [hand on her shoulder]: he died
wife: Can you get a baking dish out of the cupboard?
me: Yep *Googles baking dish*
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
“Thanks, you’ve been a wonderful host!”
– Viruses
Cop: we found this dead cat stuffed in the the photocopier
Detective: OMG, another victim of the copy cat killer
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
[first date]
ME: That’s a pretty name.
CASSIE: Thank you!
ME: Is it short for Casserole?
Me at 14: *reads three Harry Potter books in one day*
Me at 27: *sees a text that’s longer than 2 sentences* holy shit, I just do not have the time for this
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The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
I went outside without makeup on. A child cried and I think a bird flew into a window on purpose.