My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
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[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
My kids wanted to bake something and now we have to move
– a parenting memoir
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
I hope my company doesn’t😂😂
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
I’m never more unattractive than when a bee flies in my face
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
me, holding a banana pretending to talk on the phone: haha it’s for you
daughter: no I have my own banana
me: haha I know but its like a phone
daughter: how
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
“Yeah, well your dog isn’t a rescue, your snacks are processed and everyone knows you’re vaccinated” – how a kid talks shit in 2015
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
[Listening to a song from the 70s]
Singer: I love you, girl
Me: He means girl like a woman
Singer: Yes I love you, little girl
Me: I guess he means like late teens
Singer: You’re just a child, so young, little girl
Me: Oh no
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
I just saw some idiot at the gym put a water bottle in the pringles holder on the treadmill
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
*puts eight small cups of urine on the nurse’s station*
Nurse: We only need one.
*puts seven small cups of urine in my purse*
Let’s play the Rihanna drinking game! We’ll drink a shot of vodka every time she says ‘work’.
[2 minutes later]
*house is on fire*