Women would be all over Bruce Wayne if he showed them the bat cave, but when I say… “hey wanna check out this cave under my house?”…. I get karate chopped
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Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
*backing my car up in the mcdonald’s drivethrough so i can say one more thing to the clerk* and by the way i’m not stupid. i’m smart
Rappers reintroduce themselves on their songs but you expect me to remember who you are because we met a couple of days ago? LOL
If I hadn’t heard these words my entire life, “nooks and crannies” would sound like slurs
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.
Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.
Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
HER: because you’re so juvenile this relationship is over
ME: [through walkie talkie] this relationship is what, over
It’s true I hear voices in my head but they speak Russian so I have absolutely no idea what they’re saying
men don’t eject their eyes from their sockets and yell awooga anymore
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
[cute guy approaches at bar]
Him: Hey can I…
Me: [blushing] Yes?
Him: Can I get a pic of you for my mom? You look just like my grandpa.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
when I’m sound asleep Sunday morning and someone rings the doorbell
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[at the altar]
*leans in for a kiss*Priest: the bride, sir
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work