Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
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[leaving HS reunion w/ date]
Aren’t you going to ask why everybody was calling me ‘smelly boy’ tonight?
“Seemed pretty clear I thought”
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
me: *yelling at a crazy driver who’s speeding and weaving in and out of traffic*
9yo: be nice daddy maybe he has to poop real bad
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
For parents, college is the opposite of kidnapping. They demand $100,000 from you or they’ll send your kid back.
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back, it’s because no one else wanted them.
[On a treadmill next to a girl at the gym]
Me: *Out of breath* Feeling the burn?
Her: Yup
Me: Me too!
Her: How? Your machine isn’t even on
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
If I was a giraffe, I’d get a neck tattoo of the Empire State Building.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
What’s with people who say food looks too pretty to eat???
Umm, no, you crazy idiot, just pass that plate to me.👍😋😃
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
Terrified to visit my girlfriend’s small town for the holidays because I’m a workaholic from a big city and everyone keeps trying to teach me the true meaning of Christmas.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails
But when it does,
no one is shocked
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
“why do you take so long in the shower?”
me:
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
“No more self-deprecating tweets,” I whisper fatly.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
“You’re so chill” me: *in a coma*