Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
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Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
“How many witches does it take to change a lightbulb?”
“Depends. Into what?”
Those “free hugs” people sure do get upset when you ask them what $20 will get you.
FRIEND: Don’t come on strong.
{Later}
DATE: Want to try some of my soup?
ME: The spoon is too heavy.
Confusing my 12 year old..
12: Dad, you want to go swimming in the pool?
Me: Dude, it’s friggin pouring out!
12: So???
Me: I don’t wanna get wet…
12: Ummmmm… WHAT?!
Shouting “shotgun” will get you the good seat but not when you’re boarding a plane.
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
Gordon Ramsey: AND WHAT IS THE SECRET SAUCE ON YOUR STEAK?!
Me *nervously hiding the ketchup packet*: It’s tomato wine, chef
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Wife: do not eat a bunch of deviled eggs. We got a 3 hour car ride home.
Me: eh it’ll be fine by then they don’t really bother me.
My guts 2 hrs into said car ride: you’re not gonna believe this…
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
[consoling friend after break up]
me: don’t worry there’s plenty of other fish in the sea
global warming: like hurry tho
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Today I took a sip from my new water bottle that I’ve been drinking out of for a week and it tasted like… chunky so I looked inside and there was a pretty hefty size instructional manual sitting at the bottom that I guess came with the bottle and that I’ve been slowly ingesting
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I want a sandwich in the streets and a sandwich in the sheets.
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon