January has been Januweary
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Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Accidentally went on a tiger date instead of a tinder date and it was way better because whether she swipes left or swipes right I still die
When I was just a little girl
I asked my mother, what will I be
Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?
Here’s what she said to me:No.
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene, but that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
Imagine the alien whose first encounter with a human is somebody struggling to put on their scuba flippers.
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
We basically broke up with Pluto by saying it wasn’t a planet anymore then spent 9yrs obsessing about it & just drove by its house real slow
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
I always watch Goldeneye before cooking a microwave meal…
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
[Arrested for prank calling police]
Cop: You get one phone call
Me: ok
*cop’s phone rings*
Me: is your refrigerator running
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
out of the blue my 10 yr old asked me if i was running for president and i said no and then he put his arm around me and said it was time for a woman to be president and it should be me and we hugged and hugged and then he asked for a video game he wanted
The thing they don’t explain in 27 Dresses is how Kathryn Heigl affords to be a bridesmaid in 27 weddings on a personal assistant’s salary. Did that company have unlimited PTO??
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I always thought that “same sex” marriage was what straight couples suffered from.
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
Why did they call them the behavioral traits of centaurs and not human neighture.
went fishing caught a bass
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]