I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
You Might Also Like
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
my ancestors, who hunted and foraged for whatever food they could get, watching me have anxiety when I’m reading a menu:
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
Why are women starting to turn their homes into yoga studios?
So they can be namaste at home moms.
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Lisa never talks about her younger brother, Lava Lampanelli.
Nothing makes me feel more beautiful than when the woman waxing my eyebrows asks if I want my moustache done too.
I only eat mean animals: shark, crocodile, jerk chicken, etc.
4yo: i’m going to scare them when they come in the door
me: oh wow that’s silly
4yo: yeah but I won’t kill them. This time.
me: wait, what?
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Was late to my first Fight Club last night so missed the intro rules. Still, Fight Club was brilliant and I’d highly recommend Fight Club.
I hate when I’m in line for the bathroom and someone asks if I’m in line, like I look like a dude who just waits outside of bathrooms.
Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
I confess that for many years I’ve used a highly successful tax avoidance scheme based on not earning any money.
I always carry a jellyfish in case I need to pee on someone.
[War in Heaven]
Lucifer: You must choose a side.
Me: Can I get Mac n’ Cheese?
The first time my daughter met her Great Aunt she turned to me and moistly whispered “I thought it was weird that you called her great, but I see it now”
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
Imagine if every club’s first rule explicitly stated that you cannot talk about the club activities. Welcome to crochet club. The first rule of crochet club is don’t tell people you crochet.
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’ve heard the jokes and the laughter as people drove past my house in July, but who’s laughing NOW?
*plugs in Xmas lights*
[butterfly residence]
WIFE: You said you’d change, Carl
HUSBAND: But I have
WIFE: Not really
HUSBAND: Uh…I used to be a fricken caterpillar
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Doesn’t eat all day cause jeans shopping later.
I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.