People who write “loosing” when they mean “losing” need to get loost.
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me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
When you’re craving a Krabby Patty so bad!!! But the Krusty Krab is closed….and also fictional.
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
10yo: When in doubt, albatrout.
Me: What the hell is albatrout? That’s not real.
10yo: Now you’re in doubt!
Me: But…
10yo: ALBATROUT
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Mom: Take out the trash
*I take the trash on a lovely date*
Mom: Not what I meant
*I assassinate the trash in an ally*
Mom: Still wrong
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
As a white man, it’s hard to deal with the fact that I have a far greater chance of becoming a serial killer than I do of becoming a rapper.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
The most disappointing sentence in the human language is “This next song is off of our new album”.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
At my age, a new driver’s license doesn’t have an Expires On date. It has a Renew If You Haven’t Expired On date.
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was taking my sports bra off.
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af