My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
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Possum 911: What’s your emergency
Possum: MY CHILDREN ARE ALL DEAD!
Possum 911: You sure they aren’t just playing?
Possum: Oh yeah
I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
I’m gonna hang on to you one more year, bottle of relish.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
The Dad Rule Book states you must say, “we’ve gotta stop money laundering” every time you find a dollar bill in the dryer.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Running after, screaming for my baby, as the jar of mayo rolls under the counter
Family Clue night in my house be like: It was the teen in the kitchen with the bag of Doritos.
Me: My grandparents have been married for 50 years.
Friend: I can’t imagine being married for that long!
His wife: [glares at him]
Me: I don’t think you will have that problem.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?
Wife: why do you ask?
Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.
Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.
Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.
I see a badly-tied bin liner.
me: [getting murdered]
murderer: [murdering]
murderer’s mom: you’re wearing that to do murder?
murderer: unbelievable
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Sometimes I think I’m creative and other times I remember that as a kid I had a fish named “Mr. Fish” and a second named “Also Mr. Fish”.
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
Me: There’s a guy in Toronto who survived being shot thirty times. He’s totally fine now
Wife: I am not shooting you. Just go to work
I need a house elf. No weirdos tho.
MATH TEACHER: what is half of thirty
ME: thi
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
I didn’t have time to have my coffee before drop off this morning. Anyway. Hopefully I brought them to the right school.
I lost my tesau…thesor…word book.