I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
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[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
cop: I need you to identify the body
me: ok I’m ready
cop: [pulls back sheet]
me: yes… yes. it’s this bit below the neck
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
Girlfriend: “Does this dress make me look fat?”
Me: “Stop blaming the dresses.
I’m gonna say Amazon 3 times and hope my scarf I haven’t ordered yet appears.
pretty jealous of bears. they’re like, “well, just ate my entire weight in salmon, now I’m gonna sleep for 6 months. smell ya later, hater”
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Dear people who manually retweet, I hope the next time you’re about to get laid someone steps in and does it for you
I saw a hummingbird outside my kitchen window first thing this morning. Guess it forgot the lyrics.
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
Breaking: New torture report reveals CIA use of Facebook Year In Review videos.
5 year old: Mommy, I traded 31 emeralds for 41 bread!
Me: Cool! I just did that at Whole Foods
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Life Hack: Get a dog and a cat and name them Resident and Occupant. Now that junkmail isn’t annoying, it’s adorable.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me: congrats on running that marathon.
her: thanks. I’m still sore.
me: because you didn’t win?
her:
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
EARTH: Happy Earth Day to me!
SUN: whatever
EARTH: Why does everything have to revolve around you?
SUN: Physics
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My toddler woke up upset because he couldn’t find his glasses, but what really set him off was when I told him he doesn’t even wear glasses.
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.