vanessa carlton drove a piano one thousand miles to get to the one she loved and i can’t even get a text back.
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I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
Got up at 6:30am today. Did some yoga. Had a protein shake. Ran six miles. Started lying about everything.
me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?
mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”
what if “chicken patty” is just short for “chicken patricia”
911: what room is the body in
me: I wanna say living room… but that feels weird
What idiot called it a scarf and not a necromancer??
[Restaurant]
Me *has a sip and nods at date* yes, that’s fine, we’ll have a bottleWaiter: One ketchup coming up
Staying in all day, then being told by the delivery company that you were, in fact, not at home after all
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
My Uber driver doesn’t know that soon he’ll be an accomplice.
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
My daughter has 12 minutes until curfew and Life360 says she is 17 minutes away.
The suspense is killing me!
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Anyone else get in trouble for inadvertently making noise while your child films a video for their non existent YouTube channel? I’m telling my fans to subscribe and ring the bell and you ruined it, Mom!
KIDNAPPER: Get in the trunk
ME: You’re abducting me 4 days before Christmas?
K: Heh yep
ME: Omg thank you
K: What
ME: I’m all yours
K: Wait
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
[gets found guilty of murder]
[sentenced to 3 years of listening to Pitbull on repeat]
[appeals]
[gets sentence reduced to lethal injection]
Yesterday I overheard my little niece saying to herself, “I can’t have that job when I grow up because I want to be a mummy and have children.” I set my phone aside for a serious talk about how she could do any job she wanted AND have children. Friends, the job was nun.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
excuse me, are you gonna finish those fries
me, interrupting a couple fighting
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
i couldn’t tell you, officer, they were wearing masks, they could have been any group of armed anthropomorphic turtles
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me:
Obama:
Me: kinda feels like Mickey Mouse hasn’t done anything in a while
Obama:
Me: like we all know who he is, but
Obama: but he’s not relevant enough to be The Face Of Disney™
Me: relevance, that’s the word I was looking for
WARNING: Ham radios taste nothing like ham!
Death certificates are our last participation award.