He entered the gym: eye patch on, peg leg in; he’d made his costume himself. It was a pilates class. He realised his mistake immediately.
You Might Also Like
Toy designer: a remote control car that’s rechargeable!
Executive: But how will we still make this awkward for parents who buy them for their kids?
TD: oh.. we’ll just make it so you still need batteries for the controller
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
[trying to talk to girl]
Ha so you from around here?
“Ya”
Cool me too. I love planet earth
One man’s trash is another man’s problem because the wind just blew my garbage into the neighbor’s yard.
Dave: I don’t want to sound stupid….
Me: Then stop right there and say nothing.
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
I don’t gamble. I don’t do drugs.
I guess my only real vice is Twitter. Well, that and lying about gambling & drugs.
“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
{Invention of the boomerang}
HIM: I regret throwing away my favorite stic—omg, yay.
In case you needed to hear it:
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Bit chilly again tonight.
[Having a baby]
Me: That looks painful..
Wife: [grabs my shirt] TELL ME SOMETHNG I DON’T KNOW
Me: An ostrich’s eye is bigger than it’s brain
I like my coffee like I like my women.
Not banging my friends.
Well, this certainly took a turn
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
If I didn’t have an imaginary friend as a child does it mean that somewhere at some point in time I WAS the imaginary friend?
i get a version of this tweet a lot. and i feel like i finally nailed the reply today.
so, ya know, showing off!
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
“Marisa Tomei” is an anagram for “It’s-a me, Mario”
WISE MAN: Inside you there are two wolves.
TWO WOLVES IN A TRENCH COAT: *sweating*
if you tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry they will clean it for free
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD