kid: dad, dad, dad I can do a magic trick, pick a card
*takes card*
kid: ok give it back and *shuffles* is this your card ?
no
is this your card ?
no
*27 cards later* is this your card ?
no…
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
Please don’t make me choose pickup or delivery to see your online menu, I just want to practice my drive-thru order
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
[Riding carousel]
Her: um, we should move on
Me: *drunkenly trying to feed horse sugar packets* hold on, he just needs to get used to me.
I never drank a day in my life. I almost drank 18 hours once, though.
BAILIFF: Please state your name for the courtroom.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doo.
BAILIFF: Your FULL name.
SCOOBY: Scooby Doobie Doo.
I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
elf on the shelf, except it’s my dog whenever i go to the fridge
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
I honestly just want Kanye to crash everything, like show up at weddings & to the bride be like you look nice, but your maid of honor has one of the best dresses of all time
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
WhatsApp: Here use this status – “At the Gym”
Me: you wish!
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
I accidently invited new friends to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
Friend- Are you tired?
Me- Nope, just ugly.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
[packing for work trip]
“Honey, where is our business ketchup?”
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Interviewer: who are these people with you?
Me: My squad.
My mom and dad: *whispering* tell him about our goals.